Women and Singlehood

A beautiful, successful, loving, and sassy friend of mine admitted to me some fears she's been harboring of late. (I got permission from her to publish this post!) She's just turned 29 and the fact of her current singledom (among some other uberly tough things) has become a point of personal pain. The following excerpt is an edited script of our most recent conversation:

Friend: I'm worried about being single and 29  and about life in general.
Me: Eh, nothing to worry about, trust me. I have a friend who is contemplating divorce and she's 32.
Friend: Yeah, but at least she was married before, I would rather be divorced than single. Is that bad? I feel like a failure.

Breaks your heart doesn't it? As you may note from my introduction, she is most definitely not a failure. To even think that she could be defined as a failure is laughable and yet, I think I understand where she's coming from. Who among us hasn't experienced that fear of never finding that special someone with whom to share the rest of your life? For some men and women, career success, supportive friends, and hobbies in which they have passion simply aren't enough to feel fulfilled. It may sound selfish or whiny, but who can blame anyone for yearning for that unique sense of comfort and safety that you can only find with a romantic partner?



Granted I may be biased by my gender, but it seems to me that women most definitely have it tough in the relationship world. We're encouraged, rightfully so, to pursue our professional goals and not allow antiquated perceptions of gendered roles interfere in making our dreams become reality. As a result of our burgeoning enfranchisement in the work world, many women are staying single or delaying marriage just as men have always done. They're getting higher degrees and entering professions traditionally held by men. Unfortunately, however, women continue to deal with stigma associated with being single. For the most part, society may be okay with women getting jobs and being successful but it hasn't caught up on the flip side of that coin - staying single.

LiveScience printed an article earlier this year that talked about research on "spinster stigma." While the research sample size is incredibly small and cannot with reliability and validity be generalized over the greater public, there are a couple of points of interest that are, at the very least, worthy of conducting more comprehensive research. The article states that the women in the study felt that it was acceptable to be single before the age of 25 and thereafter, they felt scrutinized and judged for their singlehood. It also states that personal dissatisfaction with being single appeared to be greatest for women between the age of 25 and 35. Women in their mid to late-thirties or older tended to convey more contentment with being single.

I would venture a guess that a number of those women between the age of twenty-five and thirty-five would agree with my friend and feel that they're a failure for not being able to make the ultimate dream come true - to be Anna Wintour, Martha Stewart (or Rachel Ray, pick your poison), and Nancy Pelosi all wrapped up in Gisele Bundchen's body! Oof, that'd be exhausting! Women in America (as well as men) are suffering an identity crisis partly because we haven't yet landed on what we think being female means. The archetype of old was June Cleaver. Is our new archetype Carrie Bradshaw? While the shoes would be fabulous, somehow, that doesn't feel too good. June seemed happier than Carrie, didn't she, even if you accounted for some repression of self? Maybe the problem then is that we're stuck in transition knowing we don't want to return from whence we came but not sure where it is we're heading.

Whenever I would return home to visit my mother, at least one of her friends would ask me if I had any "good news." I knew and she knew and anyone would know that she was asking if I was in a relationship. Each time I would mentally roll my eyes and smile sweetly and say, "no, not yet," I felt more like grabbing my hair, stomping my feet, and emitting a good strong yell because it always felt that the opposite of good news isn't no news, it's bad news. Bad news. Me being single = bad news. Sheesh, no wonder my friend feels like a failure! I wonder how many men are on the receiving end of the above exchange or something similar.

Unfortunately, I don't have any answers for the quandary I've posed in this post. All I know is that my friend is amazing and it sucks but she hasn't met anyone smart enough to realize they'd be making the biggest mistake of their lives in letting her go. I also know that the only way to change society is to make a change in ourselves and to teach that change to our children. Kind of a wimpy end, but I invite readers to comment on their experiences or agree (or even disagree!) with my musings and perhaps you all have answers I haven't tapped on!