Mamas are Worrywarts

It's not going to come as a surprise to just about anyone at this point, so might as well announce on the blog that I'm pregnant! Four weeks away from my due date, to be exact! What has pregnancy taught me about myself? That I'm an anxious old nervous Nellie, ready to believe all the irrational thoughts floating around in my brain at the drop of a hat. Apparently though, I'm not alone. It seems that many mothers-to-be go through freak-outs (absolutely a clinical term!) at fairly regular intervals throughout their pregnancies. For the most part, I consider myself to be a fairly even-keeled individual who has done regular work on recognizing and dismissing the irrational thoughts that naturally filter through my consciousness on a daily basis. Though not easy, by any means, I've been relatively successful at eventually recognizing that these thoughts are ephemeral and easily changeable.

And then pregnancy came along. Granted, there are a heck of a lot more hormones floating through one's system when pregnant, therefore emotions tend to run a bit high. (I cried at anything and everything - books, commercials, songs on the radio, exhaustion, etc, etc. I'm certain my husband spent all of first trimester internally and sometimes externally rolling his eyes at my emotionality!) With all this in mind, I still was not mentally or emotionally prepared to handle the bouts of extreme anxiety I had every once in a while. First, it was a fear of miscarriage during those precarious first few months, then it was fear that I hadn't yet felt the baby kick, then concern that perhaps he was moving around too much, back to not feeling him move enough, wondering if his movements weren't normal but I had no way of determining that due to lack of experience (this is my first pregnancy), fear that the baby may have squirmed so much the cord had wrapped itself around his neck, etc, etc, etc!

Got the cartoon from this website: tinyurl.com/k5lotgl

Probably the worst bout of fear was one day when I was convinced something was wrong because I wasn't feeling him move. All this while I even acknowledged to myself that I was actually feeling him kick every once in a while. Despite this affirmation of movement, I still managed to convince myself that those were flukes and that every moment I was trying to talk myself down from the anxiety was a moment wasted that should have been spent calling my midwife and racing to the hospital! By the way, all of this was happening while I was at my baby shower hosted by my mother and sister-in-law. There I was, smiling, joking, and opening gifts while half my silently panicking brain was focused on feeling the baby move. I barely made it through the day, then got into bed and all of a sudden it was like the baby was practicing for a breakdance competition to be held the next day! And of course, I reminded myself that he generally moves more when I'm reclined and at rest. So with a shaky laugh and thoroughly deserved facepalm, I finally confessed my anxieties to my husband who of course told me I was being silly and totally illogical.

Thing is, I knew it all along but couldn't shake that absolute terror that comes with the "what if" clause. Two simple and unremarkable words that when put together can be incredibly powerful and can hold your brain hostage. One thing I've learned is that it absolutely helps to voice the irrational thoughts aloud, preferably to another person who can help bring you back into perspective. Once those irrational thoughts are committed to speech, all of a sudden the light of day can lay those words bare and give you the strength to recognize their irrationality and hopefully dismiss them (over and over again, since likely it won't be that easy to just put them aside all in one go!). As a therapist, I have to say, "DUH!" Obviously, I believe that even something as simple as voicing thoughts out loud can be enormously helpful, I mean, it's the basic premise of what I do for a living! But, of course, I have to relearn the lesson over and over again as it applies to my own life. (This is why therapists need their own therapists, we may strive for self-awareness, but sometimes or oftentimes, we don't have the necessary objectivity or perspective to find it.)

These days, I'm attempting to find a mantra of positivity about my pregnancy that I can meditate on each day to combat all these irrational fears that worm their way into my consciousness. Something that over time, I can grant enough power to stand up to my fears and anxieties. I'm also trying to remember to talk out my fears. To not let fear of my fears keep me from being open with my husband and support network. Irrational anxieties affect everyone, no matter how emotionally stable we consider ourselves to be. Take good care of yourselves!

A Lesson in Patience

"Remy" aka Napoleon

Look at that face, who wouldn't love that adorable, sweet little face attached to his cute, wiggly butt and fiercely wagging tail? This, friends, is my puppy Remy. He's a 15 week old Shepadoodle (German Shepherd/Poodle). He's got super soft hair, white little paws, and is always so happy and excited to see you! He's also got an eye for mischief - and lots of it! I read an article once about puppies that started, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." Let me tell you, that captures puppy ownership to a perfect T! On the one hand, there's that face, on the other hand, he's a potty machine. He licks your toes one moment and nips your ankles the next. He learns "sit" and "lay down" in two days flat while also chewing the baseboards. He wiggles his way (cutely) in between the glass panes of the coffee table and barks incessantly in his crate. He listens perfectly sometimes and totally ignores you at other times. It's enough to drive a puppy mom crazy!

Here's what I've learned about myself and what I have to keep reminding myself. One: I pity my future children, because I am beginning to recognize that I've inherited my mother's tendency to want, need, and expect perfection. Two: I have to stop focusing on the negative and remember to celebrate the positive. Why is it so easy to forget all the ways in which life is going well and focus instead on the little bits that are less great? Recently, I found myself frustrated and exhausted by all the ways that Remy was not conforming to my expectations of him as a member of the household fast enough. (Admittedly, this was a particularly sleep-deprived time in my life due to difficulties crate-training the little guy.) There were a few too many "accidents" in the house, I had bites and scratches on my arms from his overly-excited and completely normal for puppies nipping and playing, and I was at my wit's end to figure out how to get Remy to stop jumping on and biting at the furniture. I found myself questioning whether or not getting a puppy was a bad idea. It pains me even to have typed that sentence!

Unfortunately, focusing on the negative is a bit like eating Pringles - once you pop (or start), you can't stop! The moment things begin to feel negative in one area of your life, it completely colors your mood and everything begins to feel wrong. All of a sudden, you're drowning in your own little pool of negativity and each time you manage to surface, the current pulls you back in. The trick to getting out of this rut is to realize that the negativity is of your own creation and therefore, you have the capacity to redefine your outlook on life. Make a decision to appreciate all the ways that things are going well and celebrate those achievements. Then take a look at the stuff that's not quite right and realize that they don't have to detract from the positive stuff. Perhaps even realize that the negative might not be quite all that negative as they seemed at first glance. Generally, if you take a moment to turn your focus away from all the negativity, you'll surprise yourself with just how much is actually going well and hopefully be a bit happier because after all, who really wants to be dissatisfied, angry, and irritated all the time? Yeah, me neither.

(Only caveat to the above is if you're going through a bout of major depression - just making the decision to be positive and happy is clearly not going to cut it, if only it was that easy!)

PS In the week or so it's taken me to to write this post, Remy has succeeded in having a streak of about a week or so of no accidents in the house, has cut back considerably on the chewing of the baseboards, and is quiet as a mouse in his crate! There are still a couple of things, but honestly, he's a baby! I'm so proud of the little stinker!

In yoga and in life, "Never Say Never!"

Get ready for a long yoga post! Over the past several months I've gone through something of a yoga renewal and revolution. While I've practiced yoga for some years now, I was forced away from consistent practice for almost a year due to injury. It wasn't until this past fall that I started to feel comfortable with re-introducing yoga into my life little by little. It was a tough time, on the one hand, I was impatient to get back to where I had been a year before, on the other hand I was scared of re-injuring myself and putting myself out of yoga altogether. Slowly, but surely, I learned to trust my body and my own judgment and found myself not back to where I had been, but in fact growing mentally and physically.

I was introduced to the practice of Ashtanga yoga back in 2001 at a class with Christopher Hildebrandt at Jivamukti Yoga Studio in New York City. A coworker had been singing the praises of Ashtanga yoga for some time so I decided to give it a try. An hour and a half of sweat, shock, awe, pain, and exhilaration later I was hooked. (The next morning was probably the most painful morning of my life; muscles I didn't even know existed were on fire!) Some years later I became aware of a different, more traditional way of practicing Ashtanga yoga - Mysore style. So, a short primer on the Ashtanga yoga system. Unlike most other yoga styles, Ashtanga consists of an opening series, standing and sitting poses, backbends, and closing, all in the exact same order and same poses every single time. Practicing Ashtanga in the Mysore style means that you progress through the series until you have not yet mastered a pose, e.g. you don't move on until you successfully complete a pose. For a sometimes over-achiever like myself, this method of practice can be quite the bummer.  Imagine that you are learning your ABCs and are having a tough time pronouncing the letter "S". You know you can pronounce clearly almost all the letters after "S" but you're not allowed to move on until you can finally pronounce "S." It can be an incredibly frustrating experience especially when you're convinced that your particular body will never, and I mean never, be able to master the letter "S," or in my case, the pose called Marichyasana D. I practiced and practiced and started to resign myself that my practice would end at that posture for the rest of my life. Though I kept telling myself yoga is not about physical achievement, I had a tough time quieting my pride and actually found myself so discouraged I'd find excuses to not practice. When I did practice, I began to feel anxiety as I got closer to THE pose. And then I got injured. While it was nice not to be so anxious and disappointed about something that had once been a source of joy and equanimity, I felt bereft of a part of my identity.

The long hiatus filled with the fear that my injury might mean no yoga for the rest of my life, forced a bit of an evolution for me. My focus was less anxiety, anger, and irritation about a particular pose and more hope, fear, and joy in the possibility of yoga at all. Oftentimes in the beginning of classes, teachers ask students to designate an intention for their yoga practice. This can sometimes be a bit of a struggle for me. One side of me says I should dedicate my practice to a concept larger than myself (world peace, anyone?) while the other more mortal side of me immediately thinks of baser concepts like strength and flexibility. With yoga becoming more and more of a possibility for me as my elbow started to recuperate, it became easier to simply enjoy my practice as it was and find the intention for my practice as simply being present throughout each and every breath of each and every pose. And wouldn't you know it? There was one day when I was attempting Marichyasana D and all of a sudden, it became my own! I was so surprised and shocked that I literally yelped in the middle of class! Where before I had been 150% convinced that my body would never ever twist and turn into the pose, it all of a sudden felt almost easy. I almost wonder if perhaps all of my energetic striving had actually gotten in my way before where all I needed to do was relax and let whatever was going to happen, happen (or not).

I was inspired to write this post (or manifesto, given how long it's getting!) because of today's yoga practice. I've been stuck at a pose called Supta Kurmasana. My teacher today told me that I was just millimeters/days away from accomplishing it. I was so surprised by her words because I had fallen back into bad habits. I was again 150% convinced that my shoulders just don't bend the way they need to for the pose and I would need to resign myself to my yogic fate. Even now as I look ahead into the practice, I have my doubts. If only I can bang into my thick skull what yoga is trying to teach me! Namely,

1: Breathe and be wholly present in the practice.

2. Have patience. As Guruji, Sri K. Pattahbi Jois, the founder of Ashtanga yoga, said "Do your practice and all is coming."

Both of these lessons are certainly applicable to the rest of my life. How much happier might I be if I lived by these concepts! So, good luck dear readers in your pursuit of breath, presence, and patience.

In honor of Social Work Month

I know, I know, it's been a while. Well, I'm just going to accept it and move on. Sorry folks!

I was reading a first-hand account of a woman's bout with Acute Stress Disorder - just a hop, skip, and a jump away from full-blown Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. She stressed the connection between the mind and body throughout the article and ends with a couple of statements. They bring to mind for me the essence of Social Work, as held distinct from some of the other behavioral science fields. Social work puts a whole heck of a lot of emphasis on the concept that every person's experience has to be viewed from a Bio-Psycho-Social perspective. Meaning, when a client comes into my office complaining of depression, my training tells me to question the client and assess his or her physical, psychological, and environmental conditions all together to create a holistic picture of the client's issues.

Siri Hustvedt writes, "As a culture we are still caught in the mental/physical divide, prone to thinking of psychiatric illness as either "all in your head" or, conversely, as "chemical imbalances" or "organic brain diseases." None of these is a helpful or accurate description of any psychiatric condition. We cannot isolate the brain from life experience and the environment. They are inextricably entwined. What happens to us becomes part of us, body and mind."

Sometimes I ask clients where they feel a particular emotion in their body. For example, where might they feel anger or sadness in their body. Sometimes I get a quizzical look and sometimes I get an immediate answer. Generally speaking, you should feel it somewhere, but most times we're not in touch enough with the connection between our mind/body to notice what we may be feeling physically. Perhaps if we had the self-awareness to identify where we hold emotion in our bodies we could seek to purposefully and intentionally relax those particular parts of the body which might send a feedback loop back up to the brain to take a bit of chill in the emotions department. Not to mention what that might do to ease chronic back pain or chest tightness or GI issues in the long run.

Take a moment to check in with your mind and your body every once in a while and while you're at it celebrate any social workers you know among your friends, family, and colleagues! (I know, a total non-sequitur but I can't help it, I'm proud to be a social worker myself!)

Inviting the Positive AND the Negative In

Happy four days after Thanksgiving everyone! Hope you've all had a wonderfully resting and relaxing holiday filled with joy and turkey or tofurkey!

So, I seem to be on a poetry kick lately because I was listening to a lecture on mindfulness and psychotherapy the other day and was struck by this poem they included by Rumi.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes 
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows, 
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out 
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent 
as a guide from beyond.

~Rumi

It's quite a beautiful poem, no? And it can also be some really good advice. Our natural instinct is to run towards pleasure and happiness and run away from sorrow and pain. But what if I said that sometimes, if not alot of times, it's by embracing and confronting the negative that you can become more okay with it, less anxious, and decrease its impact on your life? We've all heard the phrase, "running away from your problems," and we all know that typically those problems tend to catch up with you if they were ever even gone for a moment to begin with. A lovely side product of embracing the negative as well as the positive is that over time the negative seems to diminish a bit, leaving you generally happier than you were when you were desperately clutching at happiness. It can be tough to do and feels a bit wacky to think of actually embracing or welcoming with open arms our trials and tribulations. Often we put so much energy into denying those things or pretending they aren't there, all the while living with the anxiety that they may rear their ugly heads tomorrow. How much of a relief might it be not to have to expend all that energy in fear and instead directing it towards dealing with our pain and suffering. Try it and see what might happen. Oh, and let me know how it works or doesn't work out for you!