Just a Few Theories of Therapy

Hey there readers! I took a short break from writing in order to head to my mom's place for some good, old-fashioned Thanksgiving family togetherness. I may never be hungry again. Hope you all had a wonderful holiday weekend yourselves! Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming...

Potential clients or other therapists often ask me what my theoretical orientation is to psychotherapy. I often find it somewhat difficult to answer this question because I don't consider myself to be beholden to one style of therapy over another. It's been my experience that different people respond to different approaches and therefore no one is better than another. However, I will say that I have a specific perspective from which I approach different psychotherapy styles. It's called the Strengths-Based Perspective (a radical departure from our very deficit-based society). The strengths-based perspective seeks to locate a client's strengths and build upon them to create solutions to problems. Strengths-based practice uses empowerment language in order to help a client reframe his or her perception of problems. This reframing attempts to encourage in a client a positive assessment of his or her inherent and unique abilities to understand, process, and solve their problems.

Typical of my eclectic brand of therapy and perhaps a bit more Psychodynamically leaning, I think there has to be at least some "problem" talk in therapy. It is an honor and a privilege to be a therapist - to be given so much trust and to be allowed into someone's deepest, darkest, most private thoughts.

An Instruction Manual for Relationships

I'm always a bit wary when I receive an advertisement for a therapy workshop or conference entitled "At last! Five tips to cure your patient!" As if the human condition can be boiled down to 10 steps or less. But every once in a while I come across an article that may be useful even with the understanding that rarely can anything be so simply solved by following a list of rules. This morning I came across an article in Psychology Today that attempts to come up with a list (not exhaustive by the author's own admission) of items that people should consider if and when they are trying to make a romantic relationship work for the long haul. One of my favorites is:  

"Know your needs and speak up for them clearly. A relationship is not a guessing game. Many people, men as well as women, fear stating their needs and, as a result, camouflage them. The result is disappointment at not getting what they want and anger at a partner for not having met their (unstated) needs. Closeness cannot occur without honesty. Your partner is not a mind reader."

If nothing else, this list might be a good reminder for both of you to take the time and effort to nurture your relationship with your loved one. 

Relationship Rules - Tips on how to build a healthy love life with your spouse

Author: Hara Estroff Marano 

[...] From many sources and many experts, I have culled some basic rules of relationships. This is by no means an exhaustive list. But it's a start. Print them out and pin them up on your refrigerator door. I won't test you on them—but life will.

• Choose a partner wisely and well. We are attracted to people for all kinds of reasons. They remind us of someone from our past. They shower us with gifts and make us feel important. Evaluate a potential partner as you would a friend; look at their character, personality, values, their generosity of spirit, the relationship between their words and actions, their relationships with others.

A Yoga Rebirth

The following post is a partial re-post of something I wrote years ago, but would like to share again with you guys. Thanks for reading!

Megan Riley, yoga instructor, demonstrating Sukhasana

As some of you might know, I'm not only a therapist, I'm also a yoga instructor. For me, yoga amidst happiness is pure bliss, but perhaps more significant, yoga amidst adversity can be times for growth and change, however painful. Whenever life seems to get a little too tough, I always know I can come to my mat, find my focus, release my brain from endless cycles of thought, and come out a refreshed and revitalized woman.  

How many of us lie awake nights or find ourselves drifting off in the middle of our workday dwelling and brooding on our troubles of the moment? How many sleepless nights and less-than-productive workdays? When I'm in the middle of a tough, sweaty session of yoga, there's no room left in my mind, body, or soul to focus on anything but the alignment of my knee and the opening of my chest as I reach for the stretch or command my body to lift gracefully in a strength pose. A moving meditation. "Yoga citta vrtti nirodha." The second of Patanjali's yoga sutras.

Not quite a twinkie, not quite a lemon, more of a Banana Nilla Pudding with Whipped Cream?

Recently, I've had a number of clients come to me specifically drawn to choose me out of the vast array of therapists out there because I'm Asian. These clients are themselves Asian-American and were interested in meeting with someone who shares a similar background as they in order to discuss cultural identity issues with greater depth.

It really shouldn't surprise me that confusion or angst over cultural identity could be a problem for Asian-Americans or really, any children of immigrants to the United States, considering that my own thoughts have often dwelled on the question of identity from time to time in the past. Growing up, it sometimes felt like I carried a passport around with me, entering the United States when I went to school and entering South Korea when I stepped into my house or church. The rules, customs, food, and language were completely different. As I got older, my two distinct cultural identities sometimes conflicted with one another and made life a bit more complicated. My family was very involved in the local Korean-American community and I would feel pressure from them to conform to the standards they understood and believed in. At the same time, I was encouraged to assimilate with American culture in order to do well in school and become successful professionally. Eventually, it can become difficult for the individual to reconcile the internal conflict and nearly impossible to please everyone including oneself.

P.S.

One readers' response to my post about women and singlehood:

I have smiled, laughed and been "happy" more often than not over the past 29 years of my life. I see life as a gift and meant to be lived to the fullest and I am not unaware of the bounty of blessings I have. I'm light-hearted, even during some truly sucky periods, but hey, that's life and I've experienced enough to know that it's not always peachy keen, not even close. My first instinct is to see the BIG picture and I'm positive to a fault (my optimism and hopefulness would probably make you want to punch me in the face or vomit some of the time). I can give myself or anyone else THE pep talk any day of the week.

That being said, a whole host of difficult and gut-wrenching curve balls are currently being hurled my way (so much so, that I'm drinking a ton of Zen green tea hoping that an avalanche of wisdom will come to me through some sort of cosmic osmosis, I'll keep you posted on if it actually works out)! The current state I find myself is generally reflective and thoughtful. I've had a ton of commuting to do as of late, so I've had some time to think. "Think," so I don't enter into some crazy road rage!

So...I have some questions with regards to love and relationships for you dear readers of Cindy's blog. What if you have reached a point in your life where you have a deepened understanding of who you are and what you want and, what if you've discovered what you really want is exceedingly "traditional," dare I say, ultra conservative? Yep, I'm talking about the marriage+babies kind of traditional, and what is sooo wrong about wanting just that? I seriously feel like I might've missed my chance because I was too busy gallivanting around the city, trying to live the life I thought would bring me closer to what I want and swooning over the potential with some dude who's clearly turned out to be not for me, not for the long haul. 

So how does a mostly hopeful, grounded person not freak out when it feels like time is running out? What if the love, marriage and kids never come? What then?

You're All Beautiful!

 

Hey There! Hola! Bonjour! Guten tag! こんにちは! Hej! привет! Halo! Ciao!

Why all the different languages? Because today, dear readers, I discovered a button hitherto unexplored on my blogspot page. Who knew that I can track pageviews and referral sources and...countries in which you lovely people are checking out my blog from?! 


I am just floored to note that I have readers all the way out in Russia, Indonesia, Japan, Italy, Denmark, Canada, Switzerland, and of course, the US. So, I thought it's a good time to take a moment and say thank you and I certainly hope that my humble thoughts are interesting and potentially somewhat entertaining. I am constantly inspired to put thoughts to paper (or macbook) by loved ones who are certainly more interesting than lil ol' me, so I invite readers to send me emails of what you all might be interested in regarding the wonderful world of therapy and humanity or perhaps a story of your own that you'd like to be posted. 


I'm headed out of town this weekend to visit my mom on Long Island for some good old-fashioned home-cooking. I know you're jealous and yes, you should be, since my mom's the best cook in the world (at least when it comes to Korean food). I'll be sure to take plenty of pictures and post!


Thank you again and have a wonderful weekend!

Women and Singlehood

A beautiful, successful, loving, and sassy friend of mine admitted to me some fears she's been harboring of late. (I got permission from her to publish this post!) She's just turned 29 and the fact of her current singledom (among some other uberly tough things) has become a point of personal pain. The following excerpt is an edited script of our most recent conversation:

Friend: I'm worried about being single and 29  and about life in general.
Me: Eh, nothing to worry about, trust me. I have a friend who is contemplating divorce and she's 32.
Friend: Yeah, but at least she was married before, I would rather be divorced than single. Is that bad? I feel like a failure.

Breaks your heart doesn't it? As you may note from my introduction, she is most definitely not a failure. To even think that she could be defined as a failure is laughable and yet, I think I understand where she's coming from. Who among us hasn't experienced that fear of never finding that special someone with whom to share the rest of your life? For some men and women, career success, supportive friends, and hobbies in which they have passion simply aren't enough to feel fulfilled. It may sound selfish or whiny, but who can blame anyone for yearning for that unique sense of comfort and safety that you can only find with a romantic partner?

Letting a kid be...a kid!

I was directed to a beautiful blog post today written by a courageous, strong-willed, grizzly-bear of a mama! Her words are so poignant (and spunky!) given today's climate of intolerance and I applaud her decision to stand by her son regardless of what others might say, think, or do. Stigma of any kind whether it be in regards to weight, gender, religion, mental illness, sexual orientation, or HIV status is absolutely abhorrent and should have no place in civilized society. Only last week I was horrified to learn that the vice-president of the school board in Arkansas publicly announced on his facebook page that he wants gay people to commit suicide and enjoys "the fact that [gay people] give each other AIDS and die." Holy hate-mongering idiot, Batman! The ensuing outcry was of such intensity that he was forced to resign his post as a shaper of young people's minds, phew! Thank goodness there are people out there who are willing to defend the youth of Arkansas. But it's time to take an active role in preserving human rights, not just a reactive one. Read on and let me know what you think about Cop's Wife's story!

Click on the following link to read the full post at: http://nerdyapplebottom.com/2010/11/02/my-son-is-gay/

Fall Colors

A couple of weekends ago, I headed to George Washington National Forest in Virginia for a couple days of camping, hiking, and generally getting back in touch with nature. While it may not have been the most comfortable sleep of my life, it was a truly magical experience. It was a clear night with a huge full moon that illuminated the forest so brightly it was actually lighter out at midnight than it was at seven in the morning when the sun hadn't yet managed to peak out from behind the mountains. Living in the city, you get used to a sometimes frenetic pace of work and play until you collapse on the couch in physical and emotional exhaustion, able to do nothing more than stare aimlessly at the blank t.v. screen for a full twenty minutes before rousing enough to change positions before both legs fall asleep. (This might be an accurate description of me at 12:40pm today...) Though the city is filled with people busily living their lives, it can feel like a de-humanizing existence at times. In stark contrast, the woods where I slept felt ALIVE! The whistling wind, crisp, cold air, rustling leaves and dive-bombing acorns created a symphony of sound that served as a backdrop to all the nocturnal activities of unseen insects and forest creatures.