Mamas are Worrywarts

It's not going to come as a surprise to just about anyone at this point, so might as well announce on the blog that I'm pregnant! Four weeks away from my due date, to be exact! What has pregnancy taught me about myself? That I'm an anxious old nervous Nellie, ready to believe all the irrational thoughts floating around in my brain at the drop of a hat. Apparently though, I'm not alone. It seems that many mothers-to-be go through freak-outs (absolutely a clinical term!) at fairly regular intervals throughout their pregnancies. For the most part, I consider myself to be a fairly even-keeled individual who has done regular work on recognizing and dismissing the irrational thoughts that naturally filter through my consciousness on a daily basis. Though not easy, by any means, I've been relatively successful at eventually recognizing that these thoughts are ephemeral and easily changeable.

And then pregnancy came along. Granted, there are a heck of a lot more hormones floating through one's system when pregnant, therefore emotions tend to run a bit high. (I cried at anything and everything - books, commercials, songs on the radio, exhaustion, etc, etc. I'm certain my husband spent all of first trimester internally and sometimes externally rolling his eyes at my emotionality!) With all this in mind, I still was not mentally or emotionally prepared to handle the bouts of extreme anxiety I had every once in a while. First, it was a fear of miscarriage during those precarious first few months, then it was fear that I hadn't yet felt the baby kick, then concern that perhaps he was moving around too much, back to not feeling him move enough, wondering if his movements weren't normal but I had no way of determining that due to lack of experience (this is my first pregnancy), fear that the baby may have squirmed so much the cord had wrapped itself around his neck, etc, etc, etc!

Got the cartoon from this website: tinyurl.com/k5lotgl

Probably the worst bout of fear was one day when I was convinced something was wrong because I wasn't feeling him move. All this while I even acknowledged to myself that I was actually feeling him kick every once in a while. Despite this affirmation of movement, I still managed to convince myself that those were flukes and that every moment I was trying to talk myself down from the anxiety was a moment wasted that should have been spent calling my midwife and racing to the hospital! By the way, all of this was happening while I was at my baby shower hosted by my mother and sister-in-law. There I was, smiling, joking, and opening gifts while half my silently panicking brain was focused on feeling the baby move. I barely made it through the day, then got into bed and all of a sudden it was like the baby was practicing for a breakdance competition to be held the next day! And of course, I reminded myself that he generally moves more when I'm reclined and at rest. So with a shaky laugh and thoroughly deserved facepalm, I finally confessed my anxieties to my husband who of course told me I was being silly and totally illogical.

Thing is, I knew it all along but couldn't shake that absolute terror that comes with the "what if" clause. Two simple and unremarkable words that when put together can be incredibly powerful and can hold your brain hostage. One thing I've learned is that it absolutely helps to voice the irrational thoughts aloud, preferably to another person who can help bring you back into perspective. Once those irrational thoughts are committed to speech, all of a sudden the light of day can lay those words bare and give you the strength to recognize their irrationality and hopefully dismiss them (over and over again, since likely it won't be that easy to just put them aside all in one go!). As a therapist, I have to say, "DUH!" Obviously, I believe that even something as simple as voicing thoughts out loud can be enormously helpful, I mean, it's the basic premise of what I do for a living! But, of course, I have to relearn the lesson over and over again as it applies to my own life. (This is why therapists need their own therapists, we may strive for self-awareness, but sometimes or oftentimes, we don't have the necessary objectivity or perspective to find it.)

These days, I'm attempting to find a mantra of positivity about my pregnancy that I can meditate on each day to combat all these irrational fears that worm their way into my consciousness. Something that over time, I can grant enough power to stand up to my fears and anxieties. I'm also trying to remember to talk out my fears. To not let fear of my fears keep me from being open with my husband and support network. Irrational anxieties affect everyone, no matter how emotionally stable we consider ourselves to be. Take good care of yourselves!