Great Expectations

I saw an interview a while back with Amy Chua, the woman who wrote, "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother." It seems that people are getting mighty huffy about the book and what she contends is a commendable style of parenting. And I happen to be one of those people. I have several disclaimers before I continue any further.

1. I have not read the book
2. I am not a parent
3. I don't always know what I'm talking about though I might think I do.

Given all of that, I'm still going to get up on my soapbox here and you're welcome, as always, to disagree with me if you choose.

For those of you who haven't heard of the book, check out an article Chua wrote for the Wall Street Journal entitled, "Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior." From what I gather, the book is a personal memoir of a journey through motherhood (though it does seem to be a bit premature of a memoir as her oldest child is only 15 years old). Her style of parenting appears particularly harsh in an American environment. For example, she didn't allow her children to have playdates, called them names like "garbage," told them they were lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent, and pathetic, were not allowed to not be top of their class in all subjects but gym and drama, etc., etc. However, she also states that she does all that she does because of her love and dedication to her children and is quick to lavish praise on them when they succeed. And due to her "motivation" and their natural gifts and talents, they are often in a position to receive praise because they usually do succeed. Apparently, the book takes a slightly ironic tone in which Chua mocks her own extremity and perhaps learns that her way is not always the best way by the end of the book. But even keeping her own personal journey in mind, it does not seem that she would change anything she did in the past. At the heart of things, she feels that her style of parenting is preferred over what she defines as "Western" parenting.

As you know, I'm a Korean-American born in the United States of parents who immigrated here from South Korea. Some things I read in Chua's article and from what I heard from her interview were a bit familiar, for example, I grew up playing piano and violin. Almost every Asian kid I knew played piano and violin as well, though there were a few outliers that played the viola or cello along with the piano. There was even one girl who, gasp!, played the clarinet! While each one of us was encouraged to practice daily by our parents, it was pretty rare to find any parent who forced their child to practice through the night at the age of seven and when a piece was too difficult, call their child "pathetic!" We were all encouraged to excel and hopefully be the best but were also allowed to be in school plays, have friends, participate in sports, etc.

One of the first things I did after learning about Amy Chua's book was to call my mother. Her response to Chua's article was that she understands where she is coming from but that she created almost a caricature of her style of parenting. Note, I don't say "Chinese" or even "Asian" since I know plenty of people of different race and ethnicities who pushed their children to succeed in a manner that was perhaps above the norm. My mother and plenty of other Asian mothers believed that academic excellence is paramount to future success and certainly harped on it over and over again. Likely, most Asian mothers tend to be a bit more strict with their children based on their cultural viewpoint and do push their children to work hard at school. But she also valued supporting my interests and encouraging me to become a well-rounded individual with academic, athletic, musical, and social skills. Like my mother said, Chua employs an extreme view of parenting and most Asian mothers sit on a bit of a spectrum of parenting that usually does not go so far as calling their child "worthless." So, in that vein, I feel like we're all paying a bit too much attention to her memoir. While it may seem like she's speaking for all Asian mothers, she's not.

I get a bit huffy with her statements that her style of parenting is preferred over others in molding children to become successful adults. She goes so far as to suggest that her style of parenting is indicative of almost greater love and sacrifice than a more permissive style in that she, and others like her, are willing to roll up their sleeves, grit their teeth, and tough out the pain all for the sake of her children. I commend her dedication but question her conclusion that children parented in her style won't ever result in anxious, traumatized, socially-inept adults. I searched for Chua on Wikipedia and found out that not only is she a Yale law professor but her sister is a Stanford professor and another sister holds two Special Olympics medals! Clearly, she's got some good genes. I would also venture a guess that she wouldn't choose to marry an unsuccessful, less-intelligent man. The results of their union are predisposed to be pretty genetically gifted. Which makes it possible for her to demand of her kids, not just excellence, but superiority over her classmates. So her parenting style has resulted in kids with straight As who have won music competitions, bravo! But where I look askance is how she suggests that this style of parenting would be effective for all children. If your child just isn't as gifted, then what is setting impossibly high standards going to do to that child during youth and afterwards in adulthood? Having high expectations of your children is certainly a positive thing and it's important to encourage them to do their best, but what happens if your child doesn't become a violin virtuoso and you continue to tell him or her that they're just being lazy or self-indulgent. That child never has a chance to succeed in the face of his or her parents and their self-esteem plummets. Quite possibly, they become anxious and depressed adults. You can't always will your kids to be musical prodigies and straight-A students, you have to take your child's talents and gifts individually and nurture them as they come. Yes, it's important to believe in your kids and yes, sometimes, you have to push them beyond what they might themselves be interested in doing, but it's also important for your children to believe they still have your love and respect even if they get a B+ on yesterday's math test or flub a measure in a piano composition.

Being a parent isn't easy, I'm amazed at my mother's strength and fortitude, mentally, emotionally, and physically. And it's because of my mother's support and love that I am who I am today.