Defining Your Own Life

I was reading the Post this weekend and came across a letter awash with sadness, tears, and loneliness from a woman seeking advice from Carolyn Hax, the Post's relationship guru. In the letter, a self-reported stable and active woman tells a tale of woe in which she is almost asking Hax for permission to settle with a "just-okay" partner in order to alleviate feelings of loneliness that are wracking her very soul. The full letter and Carolyn's response can be found here.

I liked Hax's response to the letter. She writes, "You’ve evolved, your life has evolved, your desires have evolved, and your family has dissolved. Please don’t apologize to anyone — yourself least of all — for rewriting your definition of attractiveness to reflect a basic and duly recognized desire for steady companionship."  How true it is that we can allow ourselves to hate peas when we were young and develop a newfound love for them as an adult. But when it comes to what we look for in a partner, it's harder to give up the same criteria we used from when we were still dreaming about Prince Charming. But this is a somewhat loaded topic, there are plenty of people who have very polarizing views on the concept of "settling" and may have statements to make about lack of self-love, confidence, self-esteem, and insecurity, and many of those responses might be true for a horde of other people dealing with similar issues. The take-away message from this post is that it's okay to feel the way you feel, to be who you are, and to behave in the way that makes you most happy. You shouldn't have to apologize for valuing security over passion or vice versa. Accept your own definitions, your own meanings, for your life!